If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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