he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
