im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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