Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
