I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
