Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
