Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
In other news, I just burned my penis
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
