I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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