Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
