Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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