I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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