I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
