whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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