I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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