Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
