I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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