He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Randomize
