I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
