I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
