STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
