Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
