i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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