i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize