Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He passed out mid-signature
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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