How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
it was like eating out sand paper
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
