You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
