you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
