I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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