I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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