Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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