I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
