God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
