LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
