You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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