i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
