So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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