She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
