mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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