Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
