My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
