dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
