i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He better not be in your backpack
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
