So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
