Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
