my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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