I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
