Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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