So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
