I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
