mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
