dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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